(AngeliqueWins@otterriver.com)
Cast of Characters:
(in order of appearance)
Storyteller
Naomi Tognazzini, fair maid of Collinsport
Roger the Bold (not his real name), Pirate Captain
Joshua Collins, heir to the Collins Family Estates
Guido Tognazzini, Seadog
Storyteller:
Of all the tales that have been spun
Of our dear Collinsport
Pray lend an ear and you shall hear
A somewhat different sort.
Of fair Naomi’s life and loves
In Collinsport by the sea
And the young blade Joshua Collins—
Her hearts own destiny.
In gossiping on one fair day
The village women tarried.
Talk turned to local maidens
Which one would next be married?
Though we all have our men and beaus,
Naomi refuses to wed.
She’s been courted by many a handsome lad
But never shared anyone’s bed.
Storyteller:
And what is more, though she’s not quite ‘poor’
She hasn’t the dowry she needs.
Josh’s father, I’ll tell!
Says he must marry well
And insists that it’s breeding, not greed.
But she’s very well bred!
It’s well-known AND been said!
And she’s quite renowned for her beauty.
So who will Josh win?
Or will he give in to his father and family duty?
Tell us who has caught your eye
Naomi dear, they said.
Who shall be your husband
When you share the marriage bed?
Naomi:
You ask of me? I shall not wed
Until my heart does tell me.
Neither wealth nor status will change my mind
Nor promise of gold compel me.
Storyteller:
What about Joshua Collins?
He’s a fine catch for a mate.
Though he cannot decide who to take for a bride
He’s the heir to the Collins’ estate.
Naomi:
Young Collins? But he’s out at sea
As are all the men in our town!
But he’s never once even looked at me
And his sister has a most dreadful frown.
Besides, his father has decreed
Who shares his bridal bower
From oldest of families shall descend
From the time of the Mayflower.
Naomi:
And my own father crossed the sea
From Italy, he does hail
He came ashore here in his youth
Was blown here by a gale.
He crossed the brave Atlantic
With Guido, his own brother
My father married, but G was wary
And longed for the sea says my mother.
Storyteller:
Old Collins needn’t look any further
For his daughter-in-law to be
For your father’s a true son of Collinsport
Though he comes from Italy.
A famine threatened in ’35
All efforts to thwart it were futile
Til his pasta graced every table in town—
Now that was using his noodle!
Purveyor of the perfect pasta
Is Alfonso Tognazzini
And his gardening skills are of great renown!
And what about his zucchini???
Of his French bread, more cannot be said
Why it’s baked unto perfection
A most distinguished citizen
He has Collinsport’s true affection.
So tis most fitting that his own daughter
Be wed to the Collins heir
Naomi:
But no one can marry when our menfolk do tarry
At sea!
Storyteller:
We’d begun to despair!
Naomi:
So...your menfolk have gone to sail the sea
And you stayed
home and let them.
And now you find you've changed your mind,
By God,
let's go and get them!
Storyteller:
So at Naomi’s urging
They did brave the sea and salt air
They took the last ship for their fateful trip
(Aside) It had
been left behind for repairs...
So they set out to sea. Brave Captain was she,
Naomi, Alfonso’s daughter.
She directed the crew’s many repairs to do.
Naomi:
Below deck, we’ve got running water!!!
Storyteller:
Petticoats soon replaced torn sails,
Holes plugged with zucchini and bread
Al’s garden hoe braced the mast, and so
They set out at full speed ahead.
The Collinsport fleet was not to be found
But our women did not sail alone
For soon they did spy
A ship with flag flying high:
Naomi: (Observing)
Black background, white skull and crossed bones...
Pirate Captain:
Avast ye mateys I see a strange sight!
Tis bearing down east
at full clip!
I swear me by God, tis a sight wondrous odd,
But methinks
that it might be a ship!
Pirate Captain:
A jolly good day to you, my good women,
You’ll not mind if we tie alongside?
Now you'll show
us,
Storyteller:
He said,
Pirate Captain:
One to each of your beds,
And one of you will be my
bride!
Storyteller:
And then a fierce horde of pirates swept on board the
ship!!!
Pirate Captain:
(Aside) I am a fierce horde of pirates!
Storyteller:
So many our women could not slay them!
(Aside) We apologize for lack of actors on stage
But we feared we might have to pay them.
Naomi:
What is your name, Sir Pirate?
We would know who troubles us
so!
Pirate Captain:
I'm Roger the Bold! I plunder for gold.
And today is your day
of woe!
(Aside) In truth, Bold Roger’s not my name
I swear by my blood and marrow
But would you support a piratey-sort
Who called himself Jack Sparrow?
Naomi:
I do beg to differ, Sir Pirate!
Sir Pirate the Bold. Roger is it?
Well my...squash and I say
that this day you die
And shall pay to the fish a nice visit.
Storyteller:
The pirate looked long at Naomi—
Pirate Captain:
What a breathtaking beauty, so delicate, yet so strong...
She has rather a young Joan Bennnett-like quality, don’t you
think?
Storyteller: (clears throat)
The pirate looked long at Naomi—
Pirate Captain:
What a wondrous brave creature are you!
I fear Cupid’s dart has gone straight to my heart
I surrender. What more can I do?
Say you’ll be mine, my own true love
Command it and all shall be done.
Twould give me great pleasure if you’d take all my treasure
Take my heart, for it you have won.
Naomi:
Though you seem sincere, and of you I’ve no fear,
I cannot consent to be thine.
Pirate Captain:
But how can you know that your heart’s not aglow
With love that will make you be mine?
Naomi:
My heart, I do know, it will tell me
It will beat in my breast like a drum.
And I’ll burst into song! O can it be wrong
For to wait til the right man doth come?
Pirate Captain:
If you’ll not take my heart, give me answer
What gave you this seafaring notion?
Tis not a fair season, now what is the reason
I find you and yours on the ocean?
Naomi:
All the women in town have been anxious
There’s nary a marriageable man
Tis menfolk we lack so we’ll bring them all back
To search day and night is our plan.
Pirate Captain:
I can offer you more men than several
If menfolk is all that you wish
They were plucked from the sea, and they’re useless to me
For they’ve morals...and ethics and...fish.
Storyteller:
The doors to the ship’s hold were opened
And out came all Collinsport’s sailors
But Naomi wondered if they had been plundered.
Naomi:
How is it that you are their jailers?
Pirate Captain:
No, not jailers.
Storyteller:
Jack Sparrow...uh...Roger said.
Pirate Captain:
We merely held them in safe-keeping,
There was a storm—
(Aside) Twas far from the norm!
And they’ve been below, they were sleeping!
Storyteller:
A young man came forth in amazement
Recognized Naomi and said
Joshua Collins: (Not daring to catch her eye)
I watched from the hold
You were so brave and bold,
Truly you are a woman I’d wed!
Naomi:
It is strange that you make such a claim, sir
For never in all of my life
Have you looked my way to this very day,
But now you would take me to wife?
Joshua Collins:
But my dear Naomi Tognazzini
How you handled that zucchini!
And you are right, I have not looked!
I did not want my heart forsook
If I espied a maiden rare, like to yourself
Who could compare?
But alas, my mother, she who nursed me
And my father surely cursed me
That I should not take to wife
She whose love is worth my life
And share with her the bridal bower
Unless to the time of the Mayflower
She can trace her own bloodline,
And so my heart cannot be thine.
Thus this decree has ever vexed me
Won’t someone come and please unhex me?
Storyteller:
Twas only then that young Josh
Gazed into Naomi’s eyes
The waves were stilled
Background music did build
To crescendo
Then they sighed:
Naomi: (singing)
"Ah sweet mystery of life at last I’ve found thee!"
Joshua Collins: (singing)
Ah! At last I know the secret of it all!"
Naomi:
‘But our love cannot be’ is what you’ve told me.
Joshua Collins:
But I’ll love you each winter through fall!!!
Storyteller:
Then a pirate stepped forth from his crewmen.
He’d been struck with surprise but recovered.
Uncle Guido:
By Assisi and by Gosh!
I do recognize this squash!
Twas grown by Alfonso, my brother!
Naomi:
Uncle Guido?
Uncle Guido:
Fair Naomi!
I do see in you your mother
And my brother’s strain of squash!
Naomi:
O see here, my darling Josh!
Tis Guido, my father’s own brother!
Uncle Guido:
Tis I who can solve this problem of hex
This insistance which sounds rather feudal
For what sort of gonzo would think that Alfonso’s
Not a true-blooded fineYankee Doodle?
Joshua Collins: (agreeing, but just a little clueless)
A noble sight when he rides through town
Upon his trotting pony!
And to his cap
A feather he strapped
And called it some sort of pasta!
Uncle Guido:
I knew your mother’s kin ‘ere I left for the sea.
Old Collins this marriage must promote!
On the Mayflower, your ancestors did not sail
They were here to meet the boat!
(In celebration)
A blend of the New World and the Old!
Joshua Collins:
Long may our pockets be filled with gold!
Pirate Captain:
Take my fine ship as a wedding present!
Joshua Collins:
We’ll dine on cranberries, fish, and pheasant!
Naomi:
It will be a fine treat!
And we’ll start a new fleet!
Pirate Captain:
And don’t forget my pirate treasure!
We’ll find another at our leisure.
Storyteller:
Now Joshua Collins has won fair Naomi
Their life will at last be happy and home-y.
Naomi:
Promise me, Joshua, a long happy life!
Joshua Collins:
Gladly I’ll promise, Naomi, my wife
Forever free from curse or hex
(Aside) And if not happy in this life, perhaps in the next!
Storyteller:
THE END,
or rather,
just the beginning...
For over two hundred years later
(give or take a decade or two,
depending on which episode you’re watching...)
a speeding train races through the night
along a lonely stretch of track...
It’s destination? Collinsport!
All: (singing)
Dark Shadows Anthem
Destination: Collinsport!
A train goes speeding through the night.
Vicki goes to meet her fate,
Although sometimes she’s not too bright!
And the knock, knock, knock
Upon those hallowed doors
Still echoes through the years!
Let’s recall the blessed day
That Dark Shadows premiered!
Destination: Eagle Hill!
And Willie’s in a greedy mood!
He thinks he’s going to be rich—
But no! He’s just vampire food!
With a knock, knock, knock,
Upon those hallowed doors
Our English cousin’s here!
Echoing the blessed day
That Dark Shadows premiered!
Destination: Brooklyn Town!
(But we all know it’s really Maine)
Forty years have come and gone
And still we listen for the strains
Of the knock, knock, knock,
Upon those hallowed doors!
It’s music to our ears!
Forevermore we’ll bless the day
That Dark Shadows premiered!!!
Judy's stellar (yet amazingly humble) fan fiction can be found at: