Julia Gives Barnabas A Driving Lesson
A Short Story By Lalinda
December 10, 2003
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JULIA GIVES BARNABAS A DRIVING LESSON Julia: All right, Barnabas. Come out to the car with me. Barnabas: Yes, Julia. Julia: (opening the driver's side door) Barnabas, you slide in under the steering wheel. This is the steering wheel, right here. Barnabas: (grunting as he tries to get in the cramped quarters of Julia's car) You expect me to drive all cramped up like this, Julia? What do you take me for--a fool? Julia (getting exasperated, bats her eyes and gasps) Barnabas, do you want to be an ignoramus all the rest of your existence? Barnabas: (with a frown) Of course not! I told you you could teach me to drive, but why do I have to sit in the cramped side of the car? Can't I drive from the other side? Julia: (putting her hand on his shoulder and looking at him with the understanding of a mother to her wayward son) Now, look, Barnabas! Does that really make any sense to you? Barnabas: (shakes his head and slides under the steering wheel, while mumbling and grumbling to himself) Julia: Now, Barnabas, you put on your seatbelt and here, let me help you. (She leans over him and buckles the seatbelt) Now, let me get in the car before you put the key in the ignition. Barnabas: (with a heavy sigh) Yes, Julia! Julia closes the car door and walks around to the passenger side. Julia: ( buckling her seatbelt) All right, Barnabas. Now you may put the key....no, not that one! This one. For goodness sake! That's the #$&% housekey. Don't break that! That's right. It goes right in the ignition here and you turn it so... Barnabas: (grins and listens to the exciting rev of the motor) I'm really learning to drive! Julia: (cringing at the sound of his shout of joy) Ssh! Please, Barnabas! We don't want to alert everyone when you don't even have a learner's permit! Barnabas: (looking at her slyly) You never would tell me why we didn't get one, Julia. Julia: (her mouth opening and closing like a fish in a tank) What?! You mean, you really don't know, Barnabas! I can't believe you can be so dense! What are we going to write down? That you are over two hundred years old and that you are just getting around to learning how to drive! (Suddenly, she goes into a coughing fit) Barnabas: (frowning) Julia, how many times have I told you that those cigarettes are going to kill you one of these days? And all that tabacco in your lungs isn't going to make your blood taste good to me either. Julia: (trying to stop the choking) I--I know, Barn--Barnabas, but-- (another coughing fit) Barnabas: (with a look of disgust) No excuses! I've heard of a good place to send smokers. Quitters, Incorporated. I'm sure it will work out perfectly for you. We will go there as soon as I have learned to drive this contraption. Julia: (gasping for breath) Just how long do you suspect it takes to learn to drive, Barnabas? Barnabas: (staring at her) No more than ten or fifteen minutes, should it? Julia: (strangling silently) Barnabas: (looking down at the clutch) And what is this thingamabob for? (He reaches down and begins to move the clutch. Julia: (gasping again) Noooo! Oh, nooo! Not yet, Barnabas! Put your foot on the brake first. Barnabas: (doing as she instructs) Okay, now what? Julia: (reaching her hand out to him) Now, slowly move the clutch.. (She places her left hand over his right and helps him move the clutch) Release the brake carefully, Barnabas... Over an hour later, Barnabas is driving confidently down the street and Julia finally feels she can relax. Barnabas: (grinning from ear to ear) This is wonderful, Julia. I'm enjoying myself immensly! Julia: (reaching over and laying her hand over his knee) I'm so glad, Barnabas! Now, I think it's time for me to take over the driving and we will go back to the Old House. Barnabas: (looking worried) Whatever for, Julia? Have I done something wrong? Julia: Of course not, it's just that after driving for awhile you get tired... Barnabas: (getting irritated) I am not tired, Julia! This is very relaxing, and I want to drive all night. Julia: (squeezing his knee) Come on, Barnabas! You are more tired than you know. Barnabas: (eyes widening) Julia, just what do you think you are doing? What are you doing with your hand... Julia: (whispering in a sultry voice) What do you think I am doing, Barnabas? I'm trying to relax you... Barnabas: Relax me?! You're not...Oh nooo! Arrrggghhh! Crash, bang, broken glass.... Sheriff Patterson is talking to Barnabas and Julia a few minutes later at the police station. Sheriff Patterson: Well, I think we will go into the office, Dr. Hoffman and you can tell me what happened from your viewpoint and then I will talk to Mr. Collins. Julia exchanges worried looks with Barnabas. Barnabas winks at her. She follows the sheriff into his office. Sheriff: Well, Dr. Hoffman? Julia: I was just teaching Barnabas to drive, Sheriff. Is there a law against that? Sheriff: None that I know of. But I was of the opinion that a person being taught to drive must have a driver's permit. Julia: Barnabas assured me that he had one, Sheriff. I am so sorry! Sheriff: I see. Well, I think that's all I want to ask you right now, Dr. Hoffman. You may wait while I talk to Mr. Collins. He walks her to the door and as she walks out, calls to Barnabas, who walks in. Sheriff: (closing the door) Well, Mr. Collins, may I please see the driver's permit? Barnabas: (clearing his throat) Driver's permit? But Julia assured me it would be best not to get one... Sheriff: Oh? She told me that you had one. In fact, she said you had assured her that you had one. Suppose you tell me exactly what is going on and what has happened? Barnabas: (feeling embarrassed suddenly, but for what reason...who knows?) Well, Julia said she could teach me to drive and that it would be best not to get a driver's permit due to some very unusual circumstances, so I believed her. Sheriff: Mr. Collins, there is something I have learned as a law enforcement officer for Collinsport...Never trust Dr. Hoffman. She lies through her teeth and tries to get everyone else to lie through their teeth as well. Suppose you tell me exactly what happened to cause the accident... Barnabas: You see, Sheriff, while I was in the process of learning to drive, Dr. Hoffman was--uh, she was-- Sheriff: (coaxingly) Yes, Mr. Collins. Please just spit it out. You will feel better to get it all out in the open. Barnabas: (leaning over to whisper in the sheriff's ear) Sheriff: What?! Why that is outrageous! No wonder you were in an accident! That is the most infamous, most horrible breach of crime I have ever encountered! (Striding over to the door and flinging it opened) Dr. Hoffman, you are under arrest for letting this man learn how to drive under the influence of a frustrated woman! However, he could have saved his breath because Julia lay at his feet, where she had fallen when he'd opened the door and her ear had lost contact with the keyhole! The End |
| Lalinda |